In order for
a relationship to be successful it must be balanced - an even and equal
distribution of rewards creating a stable and healthy environment in which each
individual can function at their best (Walster Walster and Berscheid’s, 1978). A balanced relationship has the potential to
enrich our lives, enhance our feelings of self-worth, support us in our pursuit
of personal goals, provide us with feelings of comfort and enable us to freely
express love. They are “nurturing, stimulating and restorative” (Erskine,
RG, Moursand, JP and Trautmann, RL; Beyond
Empathy, p6)
Unbalanced relationships on the other hand are according
to Homan’s Disruptive Justice Theory, one’s in which the costs and received
rewards are disproportionate making one feel cheated. Unbalanced relationships may also become
ineffectual, no longer fulfilling a need or they may be unhealthy in which one
individual exerts power over another depleting that person of his or her energy
and joy. Unbalanced relationships as a
result can cause great personal distress.
The balance
in relationships changes as we change and grow according to personal and
external circumstances. Some of these
changes are temporary and others permanent.
Some long-term relationships such as marriage or the relationship
between a mother and her child are flexible, adapting and growing with us. Others are only seasonal and eventually fall
away. Trying to hold onto unbalanced
relationships can be the cause of anxiety, fear, insecurity and conflict as one
tries desperately to restore the balance.
Resentment, anger, guilt, jealousy and even a critical attitude may
result if one does not understand and accept the nature of these changing relationships.
A
therapist’s role is to help their client accept the things they cannot change
and to have the confidence and wisdom to change the relationships, including
the one with themselves, that are unbalanced, unhealthy or harmful. There is always a price to pay for unbalanced
relationships. They deplete us of our energy
and our enjoyment of life, they erode
away at our confidence and prevent us from pursuing our dreams and fulfilling
our potential. Ultimately they prevent
us from functioning as a human, and of being in the world as a whole, fulfilled
person.
If you are
struggling in a relationship, be it with your partner, boss, work colleague,
friend or even yourself, counselling can encourage you to explore areas in your
life that are harmful, help you discover healthier ways of interacting with others
and support you as you begin to make positive changes in your life.
I offer both
couples and individual counselling.
